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60 Things You Should Never, Ever Say to Your Kids

Erase these common phrases from your vocabulary.

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Erase these common phrases from your vocabulary.

It's tempting to want to help your child through something tough, but they need time to learn on their own. Automatically taking the reins isn't going to help them learn. Dr. Tovah Klein, Director of the Barnard Center for Toddler Development and author of How Toddlers Thrive, says, "It gives a clear message to the child of 'I can't do this, only the grown-ups know how to do it. It actually works against [building] confidence."

This phrase may be okay to use when your tone is compassionate, but issues can arise if it comes off as angry or annoyed. "When a trusted adult—a person upon whom the child is dependent for everything—indicates that something is wrong with the child, a child will internalize this and believe it. They will ask themselves what is wrong with them—and they won't be able to find the answer." explains Karyl McBride, Ph.D., L.M.F.T., a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. "They may rely on their limited life experience and knowledge, and likely come up with something that is wrong, and that can have a lasting effect. Sometimes it will be something quite broad, like, 'I am not good enough,' or, 'I am a bad person.' The devastation of these kinds of internalized messages can take a lifetime to get over, even with therapy," she notes.

Going through some hard financial times? Do you best not to let the kids in on it. Dr. Brad Klontz, a clinical psychologist and author of the book Mind Over Money, told CBS News, "Don't give them TMFI: too much financial information. We can't involve them in things they're powerless to do anything about. Laying that load on a child makes her anxious."

In general, you should avoid using words like "always" and "never" when speaking to your child, because it can make them think they're hopeless. "[Adults] love to rattle off quips like you'll never, you won't, you can't, you always," says Daniel Patterson, author of The Assertive Parent and founder of the Patterson Perspective." [But] statements like these place children in a box of negativity or permanence—suggesting that they are always a certain way, and incapable or unexpected to improve." Patterson adds that using the word "never" gives your child permission to never change, which isn't what you want.

You don't want to discourage your kid from trying hard, but reciting this popular line can cause them to feel a lot of pressure. "It sends the message that if you make mistakes, you didn't train hard enough. I've seen kids beat themselves up, wondering, 'What's wrong with me? I practice, practice, practice, and I'm still not the best,'" says Joel Fish, Ph.D., author of 101 Ways to Be A Terrific Sports Parent.

When a child is upset, don't be too quick to immediate pointing out that everything is "okay"—first, make sure they know their feelings are valid. "Your kid is crying because he's not okay. Your job is to help him understand and deal with his emotions, not discount them," says Jenn Berman, Psy.D., author of The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids. "Try giving him a hug and acknowledging what he's feeling by saying something like, 'That was a scary fall.' Then ask whether he'd like a bandage or a kiss (or both)," Berman suggests.

Of course, parents want their children to have big goals, and you want to encourage them in those aspirations. But at the same time, it's not always smart to tell them they can be anything they want. As the Washington Post points out, studies have shown that going after overly-ambitious goals can be harmful, with significant negative side effects, like unethical behavior. Psychologist Erica Reishcher wrote, "Telling kids that they can do anything—whether fueled by imagination or hard work—obscures the critical role of chance in success. Not every child who wants to be a surgeon or sports star can become one, even if they work hard at it. At the same time, in every success story there is the grace of good fortune. As Nobel Laureate Daniel Kahneman puts it: 'Success = Talent + Luck. Great success = A little more talent + A Lot of Luck.'"

"Telling a child that he or she is 'too sensitive' is common behavior among unloving, unattuned parents, since it effectively shifts the responsibility and blame from their behavior to the child's supposed inadequacies. A young child doesn't have the self confidence to counter this assertion and will assume that she's done something wrong. She will often believe that her sensitivity is the problem and that, in turn, leads her to mistrust both her feelings and perceptions," explains Peg Streep, author of Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life. "It is highly damaging because there are numerous take-away lessons, such as: 'What you feel doesn't matter to me or anyone else,' and, 'The fault is yours because something is wrong with you.'"

If your child doesn't want to leave their friend's house or the park, it's tempting to threaten them by saying, "I'm just going to leave you here then," knowing it will probably get them to move. But Dr. L. Alan Sroufe, professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Minnesota's Institute of Child Development, tells The Atlantic that doing this can make them feel less secure. It makes them believe you may not always be there to protect and take care of them, and the thought that you may leave them alone is very frightening.

Yes, your child may be driving you up the wall, but consistently telling them to leave you alone when you need a break could damage their way of thinking about spending time with you. They'll internalize that message, according to Suzette Haden Elgin, Ph.D, founder of the Ozark Center for Language Studies, in Huntsville, Arkansas. Elgin explained, "They begin to think there's no point in talking to you because you're always brushing them off." If you make this a pattern when they're young, it could make mean they'll be less likely to go to you and tell you things when they're older.

"When a compliment is immediately followed by a 'but', it places the focus on the negative instead of the positive. All the positive reinforcement, self-esteem boost, and motivation gained from the compliment are lost as soon as 'but' is uttered," explains Adelle Cadieux, a pediatric psychologist at Helen DeVos Children's Hospital.

Every parent wants to believe their child is a genius in the making, and having high academic expectations of them can help them do better — up to a certain point. Put all the emphasis on grades and achievement and it will backfire, making them do worse in school, according to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

"The number one job of a parent is to stay calm no matter what happens. Aside from the fact that we usually say things we later regret when we're angry or frustrated, staying calm also models for our children how we want them to behave. This is especially true for parents of kids who tend to get easily upset," explains Timothy Gunn, a licensed clinical psychologist.

When it comes to getting kids to eat a healthy diet, the science is clear: Focus on the benefits and delicious taste of healthy food, not on negative perceptions of their weight. Commenting at all on weight only worries kids and hurts their self-esteem, according to a study published in study published in Eating and Weight Disorders.

"Children who are overweight or obese can benefit from nutritional changes; but calling a child fat is hurtful and does nothing in providing guidance for how to slim down," says Kimber Shelton, psychologist and owner of KLS Counseling and Consulting Services in Dallas, TX. "Negative body labeling and shaming feed into a culture of disordered eating and unhealthy body images."

On a bad day, you may see yourself as an ugly fat slob, but your child sees you as the most beautiful, amazing human who has ever lived — and they want to grow up to be just like you. So when you criticize your body, not only are you denigrating someone they love, you're teaching them to feel the same way about their bodies, say researchers from Notre Dame.

"Saying that you used drugs as a kid validates the use of drugs for your own children. Even if your child doesn't respond by saying, "And you're okay now," that's probably what they're thinking. Your children will model their behavior based upon yours – if you're not educated enough to explain to your kids why taking drugs is dangerous, don't give them tacit license to use because you did," says Dennis Poncher, author and founder of the support group network Because I Love You.

"It's important to allow children to cry and show their emotions and frustrations. They need to know it is okay to feel happy, sad, angry, or whatever. Besides, we would never tell an adult to stop crying, so why should we say it to children?" says Richard Peterson, the vice president of education for Kiddie Academy.

"Even if something isn't a big deal to you, it can be a big deal to your child. Telling them that it isn't invalidates and shames them for their emotions. Not only are they then upset about the original issue, but they're ashamed or embarrassed about how upset they are on top of that. These comments never ever help anyone – children or adults – actually feel better or calm down," explains Rebecca Schrag Hershberg, PhD, director of early childhood training at Ramapo for Children and Founder of Little House Calls.

"If they would, they could! You can never get through to a child when they're throwing a tantrum. Instead, the best thing to do is remain calm yourself, don't take the bait, and be patient while validating their feelings," says Denise Daniels, parenting and child development expert and inventor of Moodsters.

"What may look like a small thing to you — a scrape, a broken crayon, a lost toy — really is a big thing to your child. It's easy to get annoyed and brush it off, but you should take it seriously," Daniels says.

RELATED: 11 Parenting Styles, Explained

"Children are not lazy. Often, there's an underlying reason as to why they aren't able to accomplish what's being asked of them. Parents attack a child's self-esteem and self-worth with this statement. And let's face it, none of us have ever been motivated to do better by being called lazy," says Stacy Haynes, a child psychologist.

"This phrase is typical in most households but it doesn't usually get anything done faster, except for making children feel more stressed," says Ariel Kornblum, a child psychologist in New York. "It's better to be specific about what needs to happen next."

"If you have to endlessly repeat yourself ,then you need to rethink your communication strategy. Nagging never works; kids have very selective listening and they'll tune you right out. Instead, try asking open-ended questions to get to the root of what's going on," says Daniels.

"All kids get scared, regardless of age," says Daniels. "Saying this to them invalidates their feelings and dismisses them, making your child feel like they aren't being heard."

"You can't expect kids to act like adults because they're not adults. If a child is doing a behavior that seems babyish, look at the situation," says Daniels. "Often they revert to old behaviors when they're nervous, anxious, or scared. Instead of shaming them, listen to their feelings."

"Children look to adults to validate their feelings and experiences, so when you dismiss them it makes them feel like they don't matter. If you don't understand why you child is doing something, ask them, and then try and remember an experience when you were in a similar situation," Daniels says.

RELATED: 10 Parenting Hacks You Desperately Need To Get Through The Toddler Years

"This is hurtful because the child learns to deny their needs and their self. Most people lose themselves in childhood and spend the rest of their life trying to find it," Reedy says. "What's really happening here is that the parent's capacity is limited, and they're asking the child to get smaller to fit into their needs."

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Source: https://www.redbookmag.com/life/mom-kids/advice/g3649/things-you-should-never-say-to-children/

I Never Do It Again Mom Please Mom

60 Things You Should Never, Ever Say to Your Kids

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